Who is Brett Nortje, and why should you give a fuck about what he writes?

posted by PurpleXVI Original SA post

Legions v0.23(and v3.13), by Brett Nortje

With occasional asides, by the same maniac.

Preface: Who is Brett Nortje, and why should you give a fuck about what he writes?

Brett Nortje first came to my attention when I found his manifesto, roughly a thousand rambling pages about everything from how to fight terrorism(tell them that terrorism doesn't make any sense and that they should get jobs, if that fails, "just make a car bulletproof and run them over" or blow them up with helicopters), to how to get rich(build a time machine, get gold from the past), to how to cure AIDS(eat salt, which will absorb all your blood, that has the AIDS in it, then poop out the salty AIDS-rocks, then drink water to recover your blood), to how to make dragons(take crocodile DNA, boil it so it expands, that will make the crocodile bigger, dragon-sized, then add in some wing DNA from a bat or something), written with nothing to indicate, at any point, that it's not serious. This guy is legitimately and utterly off his fucking rocker.

In case anyone wants to read it for themselves .

Out of curiosity as to whether this maniac had a site or something with more of his hilarious crazy, his name was Googled... and it turned out he had more hilarious crazy. He had written RPGs. Versions 0.23 and 3.13 of "Legions," a campaign for same, something called Societal Games and a small booklet called "Sexcapades," all freely available as .PDF's(a further two RPG's by him, Pantera and Sepultura, both of which Legions promises us it is fully compatible with, I haven't been able to find.).

So... you know what? Let's begin. Let's see what maniacal ramblings lie hidden within Legions, v0.23



* * This game is for mature audiences. The content is very graphic and vivid because the team has run out of ideas that are warm and fuzzy. If you are a parent do not let your children read this, and if you are old enough to read you need a official identity booklet to read this. * *

Well, thanks for the warning, Brett. I was worried we might have to read something that wasn't for HARDCORE MATURE AUDIENCES.

We get the usual "what is roleplaying"-schpiel, though badly spelled and with mauled grammar, and in the middle of it, this:


This game is fully compatible with Pantera and Sepultura rules and characters. The characters in here are a lot more complex though, as, like I said, I have run out of new ideas that are simple, so we are left with this... game.

It's telling that even the author is hesitant when calling this thing a game.

Any rule that doesn't make sense may be ignored

We are dumped right the fuck headfirst into chargen without even the vaguest knowledge of how the "game's" "system" works, and frankly, even after reading the whole thing, I only ever managed the "vague" level of knowledge. For stats we've got Physique, Reflexes and Senses as our "Phisical" trio. The Mental trio is Willpower, Intelligence(sometimes Intelligenz) and Wisdom("how much common sense your character has. Instaed of working with the porblem as
it is, you may add ideas form other areas to help with the problem." What the fuck does this even MEAN?). Our three Spiritual stats are Intuition, Harmony and Charisma. Oh and then we have an absolute asswhack of twelve derived stats.

Stamina, Reaction, Judgment, Conscious, Morale, Poison, Medium, Ambush, Search, Social, Balance and Purity.

None of these are explained, at least not so far. For that matter we don't know what any of our "main" stats really do, either, all we know is that we have 50 points to split between them, that they're capped at 12, and that we can only raise them to a max of 10 at chargen.


The game master may overule any of these rules and make it more, well, obvious.

Combat is very important with this game. First thing I want to tell you about is action points. You get your action points by adding your reflexes to your wisdom. These points get used up as you do things. Here is a sample list of suggested action points uses...

To attack with a small weapon would cost three action points. To dodge would take five action points and make it harder for the opponent to hit you by as much as your dodge skill added to your reflexes. To attack with a medium weapon would cost five action points. To attack with a large weapon would take eight action points. To cast a spell would take five action points. To run forward a few meters would take three action points.

You get the idea I hope. Now the person with the most action points has their turn, until they no longer have the most action points, then the person with the most may go. If it is tied they may roll dice to see whose turn it is to go.To hit your opponent you need to roll under your reflexes added to your weapon skill, but you add any dodging to your dice roll as it makes it harder to hit them.

To use a skill simply roll under it and the associated statistic added together on a twenty sided dice with a roll of twenty always being a fail and a roll of one always being a pass.With physique characters do more damage with hand held weapons. For every three points of physique they deal an extra point of damage. When someone takes damage then they subtract the damage from their current health, but not their total health, as they may heal up again eventually.

Well, at least now we know how we try to kill people, even if we don't know any other goddamn thing.

Help! I have no dice! posted:

The dice may confuse you at first, and if you have never heard fo them, count all the numbers on them to see which is which - remember to check all sides of the dice to get all the numbers. In the case you have no dice simply roll a six sided dice three times for a twenty sided dice, or twice for a twelve sided dice, and subtract one from the roll for a four sided dice. But, heaven help, if you don't even have a six sided dice, use common sense or opposition. With opposition you consider all the factors of the test an then come to a logical math based conclusion.

I love that he wants us to find a "logical math-based conclusion," yet he doesn't seem to realize that three times six does not equal twenty, or that six minus one does not equal four.

Immediately after this actual interlude into the rules, we're dumped right back into the schizophrenic chargen section, with our class options: We can be a Swordsman, an Archer or a Magician. In the grand tradition of shit RPG's, the physical combat options just get bigger numbers for their physical combat as they level up, while the wizard starts off with a fistful of spells and gets to learn more as the game goes on.

Or does he? I can't tell. posted:

... magician may not learn any other types of spells after that . Each spell costs one point to buy and doubles the cost of the current level to raise it to another level, as per usual. The magician may learn new spells by spending ten adventure points to learn them after being created ,

How the fuck do you even manage to contradict yourself that fast ?

But, you know, choosing our class is pretty fast and straightforward. But that's not all! Now we may choose to belong to a PATH, CHASTE(I think he means caste, but he keeps writing chaste all the time) or RACE. So of course the next section is none of these, because it's about choosing a species of animal. Some sort of totem animal thing, from the text, and I can't tell if this counts as a path, CHASTE or race. Or none of these.

I don't even posted:

There are many people that worship animals and recieve all sorts of benefits from this. It started as a very uncommon thing, and has now become a real trend. Typically villagers will be part of a clan or path, and children are initiated at thirteen years of age usually. Typically a species character has a tattoo of their path or clan placed on their body but hidden from view in casual clothing. Path or clan hatred includes characters and real animals. The species will be granted bonuses when they go up levels. All species may buy spheres with thier starting eight sphere points.

Also angels and fairies count as animals, apparently.

Next up: First I will list the good animals