Everything you didn't want to know about Kender

posted by GorfZaplen Original SA post

I was going to do the game Contagion, which is like the bastard child of Kult and WoD but brought up by its surrogate parent d20. Also all the art is of this caliber:

Then my debit card had to be deactivated for dark machinations and apparently all pirated copies are corrupted past page 60 or so.

I could talk about Metamorphosis Alpha.

Let's talk about Kender instead.

Kencyclopedia: Everything you didn't want to know about Kender

This book has no introduction of the author desperately trying to explain his purposes, so we can only assume that he was possessed by beings of vast power, subjected to hideous tortures before they forced him to write down all they said of the coming Ubermensch. No, the author did this willingly. This isn't the Kencyclopedia, this is the Kendernomicon.

It throws us into Chapter One without warning, and the opening quote sets us up for the hurricane of retardation that is heading our way.

Seandul McAlzhared posted:

And another thin, I'm sick of everyone calling me a liar and a thief, and putting me down, just because I'm a Kender! Being tall doesn't make you right, and it sure doesn't make you smart! - Tasslehoff Burrfoot, Kendermore

At this point the .pdf started screaming eldritch profanities, warning me not to continue. But for the sake of science, I continued on this abominable road.

General Description

Apparently, Kender are the "Children of the World", and are "adventure loving, curious, spontaneous" and "lust for life". They are unique to the world of Krynn (thank God).

Now, a common misconception about the Kender are that they have no concept of value. They simply have one that is wholly alien to sensible folk.

Oh, I get it. Tasslehoff, Hasslehoff HURR posted:

A kender's concept of value is not in line with any other race. To a kender, a potato in the shape of a hero's head, or a rag doll with its eyes torn out can be just as valuable as a diamond the size of their fist. The potato and doll have interesting qualities and are unique in their own way, where as a diamond looks just like any other, so why bother with it?

"Tasslehoff! You take stuff randomly! We need some diamonds that you 'borrowed' to resurrect the King of the World!" "I already have a diamond, why would I want another?"

When I first read this I thought it meant Kender had cheek pouches posted:

Kender have pouches for the same reason chipmunks have cheeks: it's just natural. Kender have a tendency to pick up anything that is not nailed down. They do not do this out of greed, but out of the intense curiosity they received during their creation that forces them to to look into locked chests, sneak into guarded rooms, and reach into the pouches and pockets of those around them just to see what's in there. They usually don't intend to keep what they've found, but find that the person they borrowed it from has walked away, or that they, themselves, have wandered on. In these instances, the kender hoves the item into a pouch, pledging to return the item to its proper owner at their earliest possible convenience.

Is this supposed to cute or something? Or, when designing Kendr, did the writers of Dragonlance intentionally make them as retarded as possible, so that future generations could only rage at the retardation that is Kender? Apparently the Kender actually gained fans, resulting in this: the Kendernomicon.

The next paragraph explains that they gain "wanderlust" in their late teens, which forces them to explore the world, and combined with their autism fearlessness they will do things like, as the book suggests, seek out a red dragon just because they have never seen one before.

The book then goes on to say that the Kender embody freedom, so if you don't like them you must be against freedom. Furthermore, if you try to "control" them (ie try and get them to cut out their shit) they will taunt you until you get mad. However;

Kendernomicon posted:

But if one can look beyond the insanity that kender seem to possess, somewhere in their middles, there rests a heart of gold. (You must fully destroy this heart in order to truly destroy the Kender) No true kender has ever been known to be evil. (implying that any evil kender are actually just posers) When a person finds a kender has become their friend, they will also find that kender to be totally dedicated and unwavering, even if they do ignore orders and tend to get their friends in more trouble than they would have found in the first place. (they are like a crazy ex girlfriend stalker)

One might say I am being unfair to the Kender. However, when reading the Kendernomicon, one must not rate it on an objective scale, lest the reader go mad.

Kender Origin Story

Kender have the dumbest names. posted:

The tale of how the kender race came into being is a pretty well known legend, but each race has its own take on what exactly happened. Gnomes say kender and dwarves were born of gnomes, dwarves say they were Reorx's favorite and that gnojmes and kender were accidents born from dwarves, and kender usually have a different story in every telling. Well I'm going to share with you the Kender Origin Tale my Uncle Ninefingers (okay I take it back, some Kender have cool names) used to tell me when I was just a little kender. I hope you enjoy it. - Kipper Snifferdoo

Basically, their origin tale is that Chaos accidentally made everything, and then the Kender took this chance to leap out of his body and they started to do their thing. One kender pocketed the world, and another took that out of his pocket and traded it to another god. Then they decided that the world was pretty cool, but then Takhisis threw a bitchfit and created the high ogres. Paladine made the elves, and Gilean, purportedly unimaginative, created the humans. The other gods and races made fun of him, but joke is on them! In 3.5, Humans are the best!

Now this guy named Reorx was tasked to make the world less deadly. Now apparently, the humans were like "hey this is out world, so you better pay us, since we live here and you're sort of fucking up the shit we set up". Reorx, being the communist bastard he is, turned them into gnomes so they would fix the world for free, but they went into making their own stuff instead.

Now Reorx was so pissed off about being the only god who does a damn thing that he punched Chaos and shoved him into a gem. Reorx sounds like a pretty cool guy to me. Our storyteller then relates a trite anecdote about his cousing "Doorstop" who pissed off a wizard.

Anyway, Reorx, not wanting to leave the job half finished, threw the gem to Mars Lunitari, but the gnomes built a ship to leave the boring world of Dragonlance for the much more exciting world of Spelljammer. They were apparently given the choice betwait what does this have to do with kender? The kender literally aren't mentioned again in the whole story.

Anyway, the Kender were born straight from the body of Chaos. Evidence is piling up that they are actually eldritch abominations.

Next time: physical appearance and culture.


posted by GorfZaplen Original SA post

The Kendernomicon pdf file sits on a flash drive. On this particular computer, it is the D drive.


It is almost as though the flash drive knows what's next.

Physical Description

Kender are typically 3 to 4 feet tall and weigh from 80 to 100 pounds. Obese kender only show their weight through pot bellies, but kender metabolism is apparently so fast that they can't get fat until they're old. Adult kender are also pretty muscular despite being thin and light.

Kender are rightfully thought of as children upon first glance, but they have pointed ears, face wrinkles and again, these pouches that they keep bringing up. Maybe they are like cheek pouches. Also apparently face wrinkles are a major turn on for most kender. So the older they are, the hotter. Wait, then it goes on to say that they look young their entire life, forcing some kender women to dry out their skin in order to gain that "aged" look. They also have light skin, generally.

Their hair ranges from light blond to deep brown with red-orange hues. They generally have long hair and wear it in a topknot. They also like to add colored ribbons and shit. The only kender above using the topknot are the nobles. Their eye colors are about the same as human eye range with an emphasis on green.


Red hair, light skin, green eyes? Mother of god, an entire race of ginger children.

it continues by saying that when a kender taunts an opponent, they screech insults at them. They also prefer rustic looking clothes that have more pouches than Nomura has belts.

Kender Personality

Kendernomicon posted:

There is an inner force in all kender that drives them to investigate dark places, try new experiences, and ask questions no one dares to ask. From their creation, they have always been curious of everything, everyone, and everyplace. An old kender saying is "If you find an open door go inside, and if you find a locked door open it." They are born with the heart of an explorer and very rarely deny their natural calling. Kender can understand the need for caution, and in some situations, such as pregnant mothers or situations where their friends may be hurt as a direct result of their snooping about, kender can curb their curiousity.

Please do not start using Kender if you are pregnant or may become pregnant. Stop use immediately and tell your doctor if your ears begin bleeding or you have thoughts of suicide.

It goes on to say that magic and gadgets are to kender as ale is to dwarves. They have a deep addiction to them, consuming them every chance they get. If they go without them for too long a time, they begin to work slowly. It is their love of the magic and the miscellaneaus that binds gnome and kender together.

They are also fearless. They feel no magic or non-magic fear. At worst, they get indigestion or sweating, which is why nobody likes them.

Kendernomicon posted:

It's unsettling to find a member of you're party insisting that the Death Knight that has just appeared out of the shadows could be nothing more than an illusion if someone was just brave enough to go up and touch it, and then volunteer themselves.

What? How is that unsettling? Oh, I see. We'll either have a death knight or a kender standing in the aftermath. No matter who wins, we lose.

They apparently cannot fully grasp the concept that they can die, and will usually go one step beyond any sane person.

Wait. This means that the Kender are a race comprised solely of Player Characters.

I would end it there, but it goes on to say that a kender will combust if bound and gagged for any length of time. It must suck to be a Kender into S&M, huh?

They only follow orders if it suits them, and otherwise they'll just ignore look they're just a race of PCs what else is there to say?

Wait, nevermind. They're apparently also very compassionate and will defend their friends "with conviction". That's very un-PC.

They hate working, and "repetitive tasks". I'm not sure 3.5 is the system for you, Kender. They'll also make fun of ogres and shit until they cry.

We then get a list of excuses that the Kender love to use.

"Oh! They're not free?" <- this is a good "your mom" joke
"It looked so old that I thought it couldn't belong to anyone that was still alive." <-same
"It must be magical because it just appeared in my pouch!" <-this is a good pickup line
"Someone was going to steal it, so I'm holding it for safekeeping."
"Just because I have it, and you didn't know I took it, doesn't mean I stole it."


"How can you differ a thief from a kender? A thief only takes your steel."


Tasslehoff Burrfoot, Dragons of Summer Flame posted:

But then there's lots I don't understand. Death for one thing. And sheriffs for another. Both seem to take a lot of the fun out of life. And while we're at it, there's the matter of hiccups. Why hiccups, if you take my meaning?

What the deal with hiccups? Airline food!

I lied. The Culture chapter is far too in depth and way too long to even start in this post. Let's end it here.

Today we have established that the Kender are race made up entirely of ginger children player characters with ADD, and we don't actually know anything about their society yet.

We are only 10 pages in.

Out of 116.

The Kender of Krynn: An Ethnography

posted by GorfZaplen Original SA post

The Kender of Krynn: An Ethnography

This image is my face as I read this. A dull smile, eyes crossed, nose sliding down my face, threatening to plop off.

This Kencyclopedia is on my C drive.


The poor bastard is too half-witted to even understand what I'm putting him through. Were it not for the scientific grants and the authorization by the government, this would be considered inhumane.

Yet I press on.


Oh God in Heaven why? Why?

They have the same gestation period has humans. Twins are rare, but not unheard of. Now, this part didn't make sense to me.

Graygem's Anatomy posted:

Kender tend to have a relatively easy time giving birth; scholars speculate this is because kender in general have such a high rate of mortality once they reach the age of wanderlust. (It's a widely known fact that trying to see who can out run a dragon is not conductive to a long life, but it can be very exciting!

Maybe I've just been blinded by the evils of science, but I'm not sure how a high mortality rate equates to birth being easier. Does it mean they're really fertile? Is their ADD the only thing preventing an ocean of red haired midgets from swarming over our walls, taking everything, nailed down or not?

The Kender nuclear family consists of a mother, a father, and 3-5 children. Kender raised as an "only child" will develop wanderlust earlier and remain in it longer, most likely because they have no distractions to prevent them from realizing how terrible it is to live with other kender. This has an unfortunate side effect of them bonding with their travelling companions. If you handle a kender, its mother will not accept it back in the nest, mistaking it for an outsider.

Now, apparently Kender just bone any other Kender that shows up, since they get pregnant during wanderlust, and settle down during the 6th or 7th month of pregnancy. The book then mentions that wise kender wander back to their home town, so there are no births that occur in their home towns. Kender mothers are less curious when pregnant, although it does not say if they resume being curious after the birth.

Kender newborns weigh 3-5 pounds and vary in length from 12-15 inches, (much like my schlong) and have a full head of hair. (also like my schlong)

Okay, I have to break character here for a second.

there is something wrong here. see if you can find it posted:

Kender that are having half-kender babies find that the child is closer to a human size baby, but they seem to have no additional problems bearing them.

Kencyclopedia posted:

Infant kender are much like human mammal babies. They need to sleep and eat in alternating patterns.

Naming a Kender child is a special process. Generally, they name them after an existing relative, like "Kipper", "Kronin", or "Tasslehoff". Or they name the child after something that happened in a recent adventure, like "Triplever", "Mudskipper", "Thistleprick" (I think someone is going to be bullied) or "Teepeekay". Or, if they're spectacularly stupid, even by Kender standards, they'll name their child "Lockpick" or "Toolkit" or "Tavern".

Their last name is from their parents last name. However, since we have not yet heard if Kender even marry, I can only assume that they combine the two names. Specific and famous families are "Metwinger", a strange blank in between, "Snifferdoo", Thistleswitch", and "Burrfoot". This is further confused when later in life they choose their onw name, like "Springheel", "Lightfingers", "Pakslinger", or "Lampwick".

For most of their first year, babies are always with their mothers. Unfortunately, within moments after giving birth, the mothers are wandering again or doing quests in their village. In order to carry the baby with them, they use a "Chofar", a sling type carrier with extra pockets, because Kender need lots of pockets.

The community raises the child for the most part. They all have to keep their eyes open in case one of the babies do something characteristically retarded.

By the time the kid can walk on his own, the mother has probably set off to follow her Wanderlust, taking random shit and generally being a nuiscance. A kender child may never know its parents, and are often raised by someone in the community, hence the many kenders who have an "uncle" or a "grandmother".


I have only made 1 and a half pages worth of progress. Jesus christ fucking butts

Once Kender reach age 4 or 5, they begin to want to learn. They go to school, yes, but their community is their school. EXAMPLE

Exploring Teaching with Tasslehoff posted:

When a child hears a tale of how their Uncle Slipknot managed to write himself a pardon letter, thereby saving himself from execution from an elven trial, they want to learn how to write. When the latest craze among young teenage kender is learning how to taunt in minotaur, they learn how to speak an additional language.

Then, kender children learn the magic of roleplaying. They all learn that "getting caught can cause so many problems and hurt feelings" and emphasizes that they aren't doing it out of greed, they simply can't help themselves. The book keeps sort of making the same points over and over again (being protected by the community, they learn to pick locks and steal from games) and when they aren't playing they're learning how to do a trade. Wait, I thought Kender couldn't stand repetitive actions?

Once they reach their teenage years, early wanderlust strikes. The end of this portion gives us the first glimpse at some of the batshit insane Kender weaponry: the hoopak and the whippik.

Furthermore posted:

Survival skills are taught through forages into the wild and wilderness games, such as the Graygem Scavenger Hunt or Goatsucker chases .

I am very curious as to what this is.

Oh no. Oh God no. I'm becoming one of them, aren't I? I'm progressing through their life stages, and soon I too will be Kender. No! Damn it, no!


The book is slowly descending into gibberish. First, hoopaks and whippiks. Now, moots and goatsuckers. All their games have the sinister other purpose of teaching them trade skills. The adults know enough to realize that they can't use traditional methods: all kender children are like special needs children. It's really quite inspiring, watching the red haired youngsters run about with their hoopaks and whupples, trying to catch the elusive goatsucker (a cat made up to be some sort of hideous beast). The Games Keeper of this event, the runner of the event, is miserable because everyone is a kender.

I don't fucking know.

Moots are "unscheduled parties or festivals". In other words, at any moment, an entire kender village may just up and get blitzed in each others company. This is the single best part of kender culture, although they share it with the dwarves. They keep talking about hoopaks, which are apparently some sort of projectile weapon. There is talk of "tree races", and more importantly courtship begins. Young "kendermaids" as they are called, will take a pouch from a boy she likes and play keep away, while the boy may sneak up behind her and attach a lock of his topknot to hers. If they indulge in these games, they affirm their attraction. Unfortunately, such relationships are doomed.

Wanderlust soon hits these mysterious creatures.

Kender already aren't friends of authority. When adults, they just sort of ignore it, but when children, they'll actively fuck it in the face.

Not all the children leave on wanderlust. Some stay behind for awhile, tending to the elderly. These are the only children who may meet their parents for the first and only time in their life, before they too set off on wanderlust.

Wanderlust, that strange craving that afflicts the Kender so, marks the beginning of


Part 1: Wanderlust

Wanderlust is an interesting thing. It isn't just some instant need to go out and explore. It's more of a...slowly leaving home. They go out one day to explore beyond a hill or so, the next beyond the hill beyond that, and so on, until they wake up half naked on a spelljammer heading to Toril.

You know, if they're so curious, why haven't they ended up outside of Krynn? Are there some magic wards keeping them from leaving?

How long would a Kender last in Sigil?

Even Wanderlust must end eventually, unless a particular adventuring group is unfortunate enough to become a surrogate family for a kender, in which case enjoy your lifelong companion!

Other than that, Kender make return trips home, then the visits last longer, until they don't end at all. If they get married, they will embark with their partner.

The section ends on a dark note, with the Laz-a-bout.

Kendernomicon posted:

There is an affliction known as the "Laz-a-bout" which is sometimes thought to be a kender tale, as it is so rare. But this condition is the result of a lack of wanderlust. In very rare cases, you will find a kender that just never felt the urge to stray from home. These kender are sadly looked down upon in the kender community, but not in a scornful way. There are also those kender that have received some handicap that make them unable to participate in wanderlust. Special effort is always taken by their community to bring them tales of the outside world or lead them on adventures of their own. Thankfully, these cases are few and far between.

If you're sane and reasonable, you make people sad.

Next time: The rest of adult life, marriage and secks, old age, and death! We're only on page 14 of 116! We can do this.

Kender Are Boring

posted by GorfZaplen Original SA post

I really don't want to reread the entire kender thing on adulthood on so here is what I remember

they're basically the same as adults as they are the rest of their lives: annoyingly loyal and try too hard to be cute

if they meet a nice kender on the road they share pickup lines and then bone
otherwise they play this tag game where you get blindfolded and then if the last kender you tag is the one you love then you marry them

also weddings are entirely ad-libbed and can go on for hours and hours and hours
instead of wedding gifts the relatives just dump whatever they have in their pouches at the time for the groom "oh hey thanks a dead bird"

now the adventuring party not only has to deal with two kender but they also have to deal with them being all sappy and lovey dovey, telling rhymes and shit

and if they're apart for too long they both get sad

also they're totally not sluts even though the rest of their characterization is "they will do what they feel like"

now, kender construction workers are apparently easily duped. all you have to do is tell them a really bitchin story and they won't stop until its finished. So just go schezerade on their asses and get a tower to be god from

Kender elders are the kender who have the most wisdom (read; didn't get killed) and are too pathetic to do any other work so they just tell stories and stuff

they're always like children, regardless of age. they don't comprehend their own mortality.

Death is the "last big adventure" and their funerals are pretty awesome: they make a map into the afterlife to represent where their fallen comrade will go next. Then their burial depends where they live in.

They only have three laws:
Never betray a friend
Always cherish life
Never use something that somebody isn't done with

Punishments range from community service (which kender would be doing anyway) or expulsion from the village for crimes of a terrible magnitude

They have no Elder candidates. THey just vote in a clusterfuck of opinions. There's a SO FUNNEH anecdote about how they once elected a billy goat as elder. Oh, you Kender. You're so lovable!

As an elder you can make up any laws you want but if you break them you just get a finger wagging or something

The Kender calendar is remarkably similar to our own, despite them being in a wholly separate universe.

The days of the week, starting with monday: Light Day, Fire Day, Winds Day, Waters Day, Ground Day, Shadow D

I just can't take it anymore. Having to reread this feels like I'm grinding my brain on a cheese grater. And not one of those fancy MegaChop ones on the infomrcials. The old kind, one with thick layers of various, foreign cheeses encrusted around it.

Kender culture is just boring . The only thing worthwhile in this chapter is that it provides us a hint of the Cataclysm, the one thing that Kender can't joke about.

Also there's a section that says even though they're ADD afflicted manchildren they're totally awesome in war because they taunt their enemies into submission

the chapter basically restates these things over and over:

Kender are loyal
Kender are funny
Kender are adorable
Kender are our friends
Kender take stuff but it's cute when they do it because KENDER
Kender treat romance like a group of particularly twisted erotic roleplayers
Kender are a terrible race but their cousins are really awesome

So instead I'm going to talk about their cousins.


The True kender had two fucking chapters about them, and here was a summary, right here, this whole time.

If you had a gun pointed at your head and the terrorist asked you what alignment you think a Kender should be, you'd probably say "chaotic neutral", right? He'd then blow your head off because they're CHAOTIC GOOD BECAUSE THEY ARE SO NICE AND LOYAL

Hmm. Again, a mysterious mention of "Afflicted Kender" and some dude named Maleficstyx or something

Afflicted Kender

Long ago, in a distant land, Malystryx the Red Dragon saw the Kender and was like "Holy. Shit. My manhood is rotting every infinitely short and long moment of existence I let these fucks exist. I know I'm supposed to be evil, but nobody is so evil as to let a race of mandchildren exist. If I let this slide, I may be ripped from reality itself to answer for my crimes. In the court of reality, inaction is just as bad as action."

So she burnt Kendermore, the homeland of all kender, to the fucking ground.

Supposedly she was flying around taking over the entire world, something about a "Second Cataclysm", I have never read any Dragonlance anything, so forgive my ignorance.

Anyway, seeing their homeland burnt to the ground taught those that survived that the world ain't all being cute and shit. They learned fear. They saw what their people were. They distanced themselves, and so the "True Kender" started calling them "Afflicted Kender", as though this were a disease.

Now, you can't tell the difference between the Kender by their actions at first. They're both curious and talkative, but when it comes to blows, Afflicted Kender are hesitant. Maybe they shouldn't just waltz on in that next room. It might be trapped, or worse, it might contain spiders! Spider traps, even! What a normal kender would want is what the Afflicted avoid.

The book then goes on to say that they aren't anything like normal kender at all. Make up your mind, book! They're apparently so mean and callous that the only good thing they can do is kill dragons. They are described as "brooding, quiet, vengeful".

They also like DARK CLOTHING and are prone to MYSTICISM, because "if the gods are so good, why did they allow that to happen?". Males give themselves new names such as, and I wish I was making this up, Blight, Cutter, Lefty, Mavrik, Rusty, Scar, Shade, Skorch, Tracker and Trundell. Females prefer names like Ash, Belladonna, Blister, Cindra, Cycillia, Drifter, Endra, Moonwillow, Tepid, Whisper.

Their last names are things like Darkwatcher, Emptypouch, Fellstepper, Lockbreaker, Milerunner, Nightrunner, Shadewalker, Singeheel, Stubtoe, Tripspring.


So, we get something potentially cool out of the Kender, Kender that have "grown up" so to speak, and then the book ruins it by making them into goths.

Oh, oh my fuck. I can't do the next one yet. I don't have enough booze in my system to do Half-Kender. In the first paragraph it tells us that they are mostly the result of a human male and a kender female.


I'm sorry guys. Kender are just so...

It's not even Fields tier terrible. It's better than that. It's just so fucking boring that it makes MOTOCAUST look better.

What do you say? Should I finish what I started like a man or should I just say "fuck it" and review "Dark Fantasy" settings for D&D.

Even though Kencyclopedia has some groan worthy things in it, it isn't worth slogging through. The book ultimately ends up being a collection of puns utilizing the letter "K".