Bastards & Bloodlines by GorfZaplen
IntroductionOriginal SA post
Metamorphosis Alpha is on hiatus until I find my copy again. Until then, enjoy
COST OF C# EXPLAINED IN MY TRI STAT RPG, WHERE VERSION # ZERO IS RARELY REFERRED TO AS VERSION # ONE, MEANING @ [1/1] AMOUNT OF ORIGINAL COST OF C# FOR OBJECTS; WHILE, VERSION # 5 IS RARELY REFERRED TO AS VERSION # 6, MEANING @ [1/6] OF ORIGINAL COST @ C# FOR OBJECTS. THIS MEANS THAT VERSION # ZERO IS FOR ZERO DIMENSION. AND, MAKERS OF THE TV SERIES TWILIGHT ZONE STOLEN MY IDEA OF ONE DIMENSION BY CIRCULAR TIMELINE, BEFORE ME HAD CHANCE TO PUBLISH MY IDEA OF NEIGHBORING DIMENSION: AFTER-LIFE.
I'm just fucking with you. I'm actually doing the opposite of RaHoWa. Sort of.
Yes, that is an illithid/drow with tits. No, I don't know why this exists, either.
From the introduction:
While most fantasy games include half-elves and half-orcs, little effort has been made to consider other possible half-breeds. In a world filled with polymorph spells, natural shapeshifters, teleportation magic, rituals of power, and deities whose wills define reality, there's no limit to what heritages might mix. Certanly there are a number of creatures in standard fantasy who show every sign of being the offspring of normally incompatible races-centaurs, chimeras, griffons, harpies, hippogriffs, medusas, minotaurs, and sphinxes, just to name a few.
Unfortunately, as we shall see, very few of these are truly the spawn of arcane rituals.
Unfortunately, the art in this book is actually pretty good.
Introducing Crossbreeds into Your Campaign
This section is actually pretty good. It offers pretty solid advice to the GM who is foolish enough to use this book. It points out that you'll probably have a harder time hand-waving some of the crazier crossbreeds in the book (read: pretty much all of them) but you could easily handwave ones that might just blend in, having people mistake them for half-elves or something. It also reasonably suggests that you could use the half-breeds as a chance to open up new areas for the players to explore, like a land of the half-trolls or something.
It then suggests that players could use the new half-breeds to develop their characters more: suddenly learning your dwarf has gargoyle blood in him, or that your elf is descended from a unicorn. This is the first hint of some of the things that follow, but this is reasonably good advice.
Then the book reveals its true nature.
Mommy, where do half-dragons come from?
This is, no shit, the title of the section.
It starts by musing on why humans can breed with orcs and elves. This sort of goes on for a few paragraphs, and it's obvious that the author put some thought into the subject. He rambles on about elves and orcs until he finally gets to the point that if half-elves and half-orcs can exist, why not other halfbreeds? He then goes on to suggest that halflings and gnomes may be able to breed with goblins.
Then he says that with magic, anything can breed.
What follows is also reasonable advice. Half-breeds will be received by society differently depending on their origins. The example given is that half-elves are generally well received because humans and elves not only look alike, but in many settings are allies. Half-orcs are viewed with less sympathy since they serve as reminders to darker times. Makes sense.
He then offers suggestions of half-breed campaigns, where all characters are half-breeds. For more "believable" situations, he suggests either a game where everyone is somehow related, or a post-apocalyptic setup. To my disappointment, he does not suggest that magic radiation creates them, but desperate wizards who wish to preserve their race. He also gives the first hint of his love of dwarves, which will soon become apparent.
EDIT: I just love this picture. The disappointment of the orc leader, the angry guy drinking angrily, the orc wracked with visions of a dark and eldritch future, the orc annoyed by the dancers antics and above all the bartender all make this into a realistic and touching portrayal of orc life.
We are then offered some half-breed archetypes.
The way the book puts it is so much better than anything I could say about it.
You don't like talker to people. In fact, you don't really like people. Sure, there are a few who are less annoying than the rest, but you'd rather just be left alone. Yet when you're by yourself you spend too much time thinking about all the mistakes you've made. So it's better to be around people- as long as they shut up. But they won't shut up. They keep asking you what's wrong. No one ever lets it drop when you answer that things went wrong about the time you were born. It's easier to complain about something else, or even ignore other people entirely.
You don't make many friends, but who needs them?
Builder : Basically, instead of hoping that you'll fit the world, you decide that you'll make the world fit you. I kinda like this one, especially in comparison to the ones right next to it.
Explorer : Technically there is nothing wrong with it, but the way it's worded just reminds me of the Kencyclopedia.
Gentle Giant : Of course. You just want to be friends, but you're just so huge that every time you go to shake someones hand, it ends up as an international incident and you're on the run again.
Gruff Faker : Basically, you pretend to be a badass, but you're actually a Brooder waiting to find someone you can open up to.
Heart of Hate :
Hunter : Serial killer/rapist.
You think of everything in hunting terms, from the acquisition of wealth to romance.
Killer : They have an instinctual need to kill. They won't murder everything that crosses their path, and if they're in war they can do very well in society, but they'll always have a need to fight.
Lone Wolf : I hoped that you'd be the last of your monastic order or something, but you're basically what the Gruff Faker pretends to be. Basically a Brooder, but worded to sound bdass .
Simpering Cur : Since you were born as a terrible monstrosity, you decided that maybe it was best to not to draw attention to yourself. It's described as basically the cowardly advisor archetype.
The tentacled dude is a brooder. The dinosaur mount is a builder.
Survivor : Yu ben fightin gainst the odds you hole life, no chanse to stop now
Warlord : YOUR BLOOD MAKES YOU SUPERIOR. YOU ARE NOT HALF-BLOODED, YOU ARE DOUBLE-BLOODED. MAKE THE WORLD ACCEPT YOU WITH YOUR BLADE.
Wide-Eyed Innocent : Did I say that Explorer reminded me of Kender? Sorry, but this is giving me PKSD flashbacks.
Let's end this post on a high note.
FUCK YES ILLITHID MONK oh wait he has elf ears
Next time: Specific Half-breeds
This is where it gets weird.
Half-Breed, CreepyOriginal SA post Bastards and Bloodlines
I wondered if I should do anything more by this author, but a look at his works shows that almost everything else he has written doesn't seem terrible. I've even enjoyed some of his other books! Only Dragon Magic is obviously terrible, but that's for entirely different reasons than B&B.
Now is when the book gets a little crazy.
Goddamn look at that chin EDIT: GODDAMN LOOK AT THAT FEATHER HAIR
Some elves are drawn to the sky with a passion they cannot explain. For these dreamers, it is not enough to fly by means of spells or magic items - they must feel wind beneath their wings and clouds rushing through their feathers. Driven to take on winged form, many become druids or wizards, using wild shape or polymorph self to assume the shapes of giant eagles, traditional allies of mountain-based elven strongholds. For most of these sky-craving elves, an occasional journey on feathered wings is enough.
See, Fields' Fursona series is redundant. It's D&D, you can just use magic to make yourself into your rainbow coyote doppleganger.
For others, only permanent existence in eagle form can slake their need. This second sort find a way to actually become giant eagles, taking up lives among the aeries of those magnificent creatures. Occasionally, unions between the two produce half-breed offspring .
I don't like where this is going.
Known as aellar (an ancient Elven word meaning "feather-born"), such crossbreeds hatch from eggs alongside pure eagles. It's not impossible for an aellar to have fullblood giant eagle siblings, but far more commonly one is born from a lone egg.
Wait, what? I really don't understand that. Also, I keep getting an image of a Giant Eagle seeing what hatches and going " Holy shit what the fuck is this " and then there being a long, awkward discussion between the Eagle and their lover about their true nature. The child probably serves as a reminder to the former elf parent that they will never truly be eagles.
Thought giant eagles make loving parents, they are ill-equipped to take care of a humanoid and usually turn an aellar child over to elven allies for rearing. No matter how caring the earthbound family, an aellar grows up knowing he is different and generally leaves home as soon as his wings are strong enough.
They look like taller elves with big eagle wings. They are darker skinned than other elves, and some have feathers instead of hair. The color of their hair and wings is complementary, and usually are roughly the same as eagle coloring. They have sharp features, hooked noses and thin faces, but no beaks.
Because they need to stay light in order to fly, they often wear "minimal clothing of the thinnest possible material". Thankfully, more
They are described as builders. They want to have something last beyond their lifetime. In history, aellar are often artisans, professors, and some were powerful emperors.
They are never completely at ease with anyone who can't fly, so they often end up with other flying creatures. But they also need to socialize and shift, so they can't settle with sentient birds. They are ignoring the obvious options of pretty much any of the many winged humanoids in D&D, so I guess they're just elitist pricks?
They tend to be chaotic good and chaotic neutral. Evil aellar...
Chaotic evil aellar are conquerors who see their wings as a mark of superiority. Sometimes knows as raptors, they often hunt wingless beings for sport, form raiding parties of winged monsters, and kidnap the most attractive potential mates from flightless races (using experimental magic in hopes of turning them into aellar or similar creatures).
If you're at the point that you even know about that kind of magic, why take such a risky and rapey route when magic provides you with so many better alternatives? I know you're chaotic evil but most evil flying warlords who call themselves "Raptor" hook up with an evil sorceress or a robo-babe or something. I mean, when your peers are doing things like building flying cities and founding flying universities, why settle for non-flying chicks/dudes? Shoot for the stars!
NOBODY UNDERSTANDS AELLAR. THE EAGLES ARE TOO BUSY BEING DUMB BIRDS TO APPRECIATE THEIR HANDS, BUT ELVES ARE TOO JEALOUS OF THEIR SWEET AERIAL MOVES.
Because they are misunderstood outcasts who only want to be free they make great adventurers. They get along great with druids and sorcerors, adding another reason that the Raptors are selling themselves short. I mean, maybe it's just because I'm not a misunderstood free spirit but if I was a winged overlord who had powerful sorceresses throwing themselves at my dick, I'd go for it, you know? But no, I'd have to reject them because they just can't understand me, and apparently a kidnapped lover who is forced to become like me will. This is what Brooders actually believe.
"Aellar don't often get along with paladins and lawful clerics, whose rigid belief systems remind them of the restrictions they suffered through as youths, and who are too conformist for their free spirits ."
Aellar stats are basically that of elves with a Level Adjustment of +3.
i am trapped in a nightmare that i cannot escape from
I shouldn't have to highlight an entire paragraph posted:
Though it is rare, sometimes a unicorn's heart finds love outside its own species. Even more rarely this love is returned, and a strained romance forms. Most common of all such mismatched pairings is the bond between unicorn and an elven ranger or druid. Such relationships are besieged by prejudice and awkwardness, but for truly dedicated lovers no barrier is too great to overcome. Each couple faces these challenges differently, but in some cases the solution results in offspring - the rare crossbreeds known as alicorns.
I had to bold that entire paragraph. Everything about it is terrible. And it only gets worse.
Alicorns are creatures of love, justice and power
, combining the best of both parents' abilities and talents. Also called whitemanes or illear ("golden-born"), alicorns are shy and unassuming in social settings thought many are firmly dedicated to the causes of freedom and right. They frequently do not lead happy lives, constantly struggling against bigotry as they try to make the world a better place.
Alicorns are larger and more powerfully built than elves, though they share other traits with their bipedal parents. Their ears are very long and pointed, sticking out horizontally. Their coloration is always pale, and they have rich manes of white, silver, or golden hair. An alicorn's eyes are also generaly golden or silver, though some are cobalt blue or spring green. An alicorn has a small silver or gold nub on the forehead, generally no bigger than a thumbnail.
Can it get any worse? Remember the underlined portion?
Young alicorns often look gangly, with large feet, huge ears, fantastic mops of hair, and a knock-kneed way of walking that causes them to constantly look near collapsing.
Hahahaha, nerds. They become so used to being awkward that when they grow up, even though they are graceful, attractive beings they still think they're awkward so they're all humble and stuff SO CUTE HURRRR
A very few dark alicorns have been known to exist, a rare mingling of drow and evil, black unicorns. These dread individuals always have black or midnight blue skin, red eyes, and wild manes of white or purple hair. A dark alicorn has a solid black nub in his forehead, often in a ragged or pentagram shape.
Huh, it's improving, bit by bit.
Demeanor and etc
They're quiet and self concious because society does not accept them, but because of their unicorn blood they become champions of justice who defend the weak and downtrodden and end up in adventuring groups of people who don't fit in. They are often paladins. Now, if you were reading the book, imagine this, but for two whole pages.
They get a weak AC bonus, can detect evil at will, have a decent natural attack, have insane stat bonuses, and are LA +5.
NEXT TIME : MORE STUPID RACES, but they aren't as terrible as these kind of
Gnome/Umber Hulk-hybrids existOriginal SA post BASTARDS & BLOODLINES
Also known as hoppers, puplings, and fieldskippers, apparently.
As the name suggests, they're a cross between a "blink"dog and a half"ling", so what's a halfdog? Sorry.
Now, thankfully, they weren't created when a halfling got really desperate and fucked a blinkdog. No, they were made during a siege upon halfling lands by trolls, and some druid asked her goddess for help. Instead of say, using the power of the many dire bears of the land or revealing the lair of an ancient acid pool, she just took a pack of blinkdogs and merged them with the druid's allies. This created a bunch of "warriors who could move quickly and quietly through the forest and avoid the trolls' heavy blows." Since it sheds no light on how they won, I'll just assume that the trolls got so pissed off by the completely stupid things in front of them and went home to rage about it on the internet or something. Now, apparently because of how FAST AND TELEPORTY they are, Blinklings are held in high esteem by halflings.
QUOTE TIME posted:
Blinklings are able to breed with other blinklings and halflings. The offspring is always a blinkling, although some individuals have more pronounced canine features than others.
Blinklings are found both in halfling communities and blinkdog packs, where they serve as emissaries to other communities.
I kind of like that, actually. It's good to see the blinkdogs get some time in the spotlight, even if it is in this sort of book.
I knew a fangirl who thought blinklings were adorable posted:
Blinklings have the same build and size as halflings but have furry ears like dogs', slightly elongated muzzles with pronounced canine teeth, and tails. Males grow shaggy facial hair that makes them look somewhat like terriers. Most do not have fur over the majority of their bodies, but some have patches on their backs, hands, or feet. Females are slightly smaller and thinner, and almost never have excess hair.
Oh, good, I was afraid that it'd be furry if I played a female blinkling.
Blinklings have darker skin than their halfling kin, ranging from tan to yellow- or dark brown and black. Their eyes are almost always a deep brown, but hair color ranges widely. Blinkling hair is thick and wild, resisting all efforts to keep it combed or pinned up.
Oh god. The next part.
KENDER FLASHBACKS posted:
Blinklings are a cheerful, playful group. They enjoy simple pleasures, such as chasing games and hunting. Though they are energetic and always in motion, they never get bored even with repetitive activities, as long as they require a lot of moving about. Blinkdogs refer to blinklings as "eternal puppies", and the description is apt. Blinklings are not good at activities that require long periods of quiet or concentration.
There you have it: Blinklings are manchildren. Or halflingchildren. Halfchildren? Lingchildren? Manling? I don't know.
Blinklings are also prone to rash and simple acts, and are almost always chaotic good. Evil blinklings were abused as children.
Blinklings are welcome by both blinkdogs and halflings. Oh fuck, and just when you thought maybe their status as a masturbation aid wasn't necessarily confirmed
Blinklings mature quickly, reaching physical and emotional maturity by the age of twelve
thankfully they only live like 60 years
Blinklings like every class but really respect druids.
Their stats? They're basically halflings that can teleport. +2 LA.
Burrowers are among the rarest of crossbreeds, created only under very unusual circumstances. A melding of gnome and umber hulk,
oh god, oh god, no, please no
a burrower arises when an umber hulk priest performs a complex ritual to evil elemental gods.
Once a priest masters the ritual, they can create dozens of these guys, who are really fast at completing work. They basically cut the labor required by 90%, but Burrowers are treated as the lowest caste of umber hulk.
They look like five foot tall gnomes with compound eyes and covered in chitin. They also have two foot long claws and can cut through rock.
Burrowers are rarely panicked. Most scholars think it's because they're retards, but the truth is that they just expect that life will only get worse, so there's no reason to rush into anything that they see as ending bad anyway. They enjoy accomplishing hard tasks, and appreciate well made items and food. They admire dedication to a cause, even if it is against their own beliefs. They hold a respect for all religion as a result.
They rarely show dedication to such things themselves, being afraid of pissing someone off, having grown up in a society where stepping on toes would likely get you killed. Even though they're raised in a hard life, they don't let it effect their self-esteem.
They get along with most spellcasters except sorcerers and other types who didn't study for their powers. They don't understand barbarians. The most likely type of Burrower adventurer would be a cleric.
I rather like these guys, especially considering what comes after.
Decataurs are the infertile offspring of centaurs and elves.
Within a single sentence.
There are two forms of decataur: biped and quadruped.
Still no signs of improving.
Biped decataurs are the result of unions between male centaurs and female elves, while the quadruped form is born of an elven father and a centaur mother.
Despite their obvious physical differences, the two share enough common traits to be considered subraces of a single breed.
Decataurs usually result from illicit romances, often consummated with the aid of shapeshifting magic.
Oh thank God
There are legends of decataurlike creatures existing in far-off lands, with an elven torso and head and the body of a deer or elk. If such creatures do exist, they may well be similar to decataurs but interbreed more regularly with typical centaurs.
Biped decataurs are often mistaken for satyrs or fauns, though they are larger than either. They have the chest, abdomen and head of an elf, with a pair of horse legs and an equine tail. These decataurs are slight of build and appear gangly, though they are graceful in movement. Quadruped decataurs are nearly indistinguishable from centaurs, with an elven upper body and head attached to a horse's body at the waist. Only their thinner frames, lacking the powerful muscles and thick leathery hide of pureblood centaurs, give away their mixed parentage.
Thankfully, Decataurs like to use clothes. They refuse to wear belts or pouches, though, because they don't want to look like a steed.
Decataurs are loners and brooders, preferring to spend their time in a secluded grove or uninhabited section of wilderness. They hate crowds, especially noisy throngs such as are found in markets and big cities. A decataur forced into close proximity with numerous other people either becomes irritable or ignores everyone as much as possible. This can be mistaken for rudeness, fear, or even arrogance, but it is just the decataur's way of dealing with a distasteful circumstance.
You don't understand him, guys, it's just his way of dealing with people. He's a loner, guys, so treat Fallowsun nice.
It goes on to tell us that they respect everyone's privacy.
It is not unusual for decataurs to announce their presence before beginning a fight, not as a matter of honor but to prevent their attack from interrupting a private moment.
I was about to make fun of this, but it got me thinking. What if one of the orcs in that camp you just slaughtered was just about to propose marriage to his girlfriend? What if one of the kobolds you just curbstomped had a really, really bad day and was just about to sit down and take a nice, much needed nap? What if that mind flayer you just eviscerated was privately planning the downfall of the entire surface world?
Wait, I just realized that any adventurer worth their salt would give absolutely no fucks.
Decataurs are almost always neutral good. They are less lawful decataurs than evil decataurs. Decataurs view laws as an invasion of their rights. Evil decataurs take their love of privacy to the extreme and set up a base and arm it with traps.
Evil decataurs are right-wing extremists. That's almost enough to make up for the rest. Almost. However, most decataurs are far too teenage to be that radical.
Though decataurs are generally raised in loving homes by at least one parent, most run away long before they mature at the age of thirty. They simply cannot stand the close, interconnected communities of elves or the uninhibited relationships of centaur clans. A young decataur often rails and shouts at parents who can't understand why their mere presence and questions of concern send her into a rage. This behavior often haunts decataurs later in life, but as youngsters they themselves do not realize what drives them to seek solitude.
Decataurs can deal with society if it's on their own terms , and they enter small towns for short visits and shopping trips. These expeditions lead to friendly acquaintances, and eventually a few strong friendships. Such companions must be very tolerant of a decataur's strong, often sudden need for solitude, though - more than one friendship has been destroyed by misunderstandings. Older decataurs are forthright in their dealings with friends, warning them in advance of the lone walks, weeks in the wild, and unexpected desire to be left alone.
Decataur adventurers want to become advisors to groups, if they want to join a group. They hate the notion of being used as a mount.
NEXT TIME: SOME GENERIC RACES THAT AREN'T ENTIRELY BAD
Half-GATOR?Original SA post Bastards % Bloodlines
Let's continue. A lot of races this time, on account of them being sorta generic. Don't worry, the entry immediately after more than make up for this by being one of the worst elf hybrids yet.
Also known as cold ones, scalies, and gatormen .
The book thankfully makes it clear that very few green folk are the result of a lizardfolk and a human doing it. Most green folk come about when someone dies in the swamp and a druid tries to reincarnate them. This apparent breach of the circle of life really peeves the Swamp Gods, who rip the soul from its path to reincarnation and jam it in a lizardfolk egg. Presumably many lizardfolk marriages fall apart over perceived infedelity.
And then the book fucks up again, by clarifying that male green folk are infertile while females can breed with either parent race, but the offspring is invariable a male green folk. Because of this, green folk rarely make up any more than 10% of a lizardfolk tribe.
The fact that they're common enough to be a race makes me think that some druid wanders around reincarnating people, unaware of how much that pisses of the swamp spirits. Or maybe they do know how much it pisses them off, and the druid is just a total dick.
They look like this:
They're a stoic, quiet people, but not brooders. They're incredibly loyal, even when they're evil. They tend to neutral good and neutral evil. Because of their loyalty and experience in the swamps, many of them become guides. When it comes to adventurers, they get along with most races except half-orcs and some elves. All in all, a fairly boring race.
Sometimes, a powerful wizard wants to make an army of incredibly resilient death troopers. To achieve this, they do the only logical thing, which is to shapeshift into a troll and have sex with some of their troll servants.
They fucking love metalworking, and trust people who prove to be self-sufficient. They are driven by this need to be self-sufficient, and most grendles are lawful.
Chaotic grendles are described as fishmalks, "frequently speaking only in rhyme, calling people by random names, hallucinating, and getting involved in intricate plots with no real hope of success."
Most grendles grow up in small communities, and become popular metalsmiths. They're often tolerated, if not for their abilities, but because of their powerful wizard parent. If they live with this parents, it's to become a guard, as well as ensure the wizards bloodline.
Again, powerful wizards have so many more options than trolls if they want powerful offspring. In the world of Bastards and Bloodlines, powerful wizards and warlords must have really low standards or something.
Grendles view themselves as "realist", but are really just pessimists.
They are often fighter/wizards apparently, so they can craft magic items. They love to make magic items.
Basically, they have the worst qualities of both humans and gnolls, and look like this:
That's basically all there is to them. Boring, moving on.
Fucking really? Wait, there's something interesting here: elf/bugbear hybrids, also known as "prehistoric elves". So, elf cavemen? Dwarves cross with hob-goblins, and gnomes cross with regular goblins. Again, boring and nothing new. Moving on.
Oh, these are probably just deepsp-
They basically are deepspawn, the result of
They look like dwarven deep ones.
However, unlike the people of Innsmouth, the half-kuo-toa get shit done. The only form of entertainment they approve of are riddles and puzzles, and even then they do them to "hone the mind", and not for fun. They hate fun, seeing it as a waste of time. They are always put in a life of religious instruction and become monks most of the time. The expectations held for them are incredibly high, and if they fail to be perfectly devoted to their church they are often imprisoned or shunned.
As they grow into adulthood, they sometimes begin to question their philosophies. They don't do well outside of their communities, since they're fucking fish people.
Wait, did dwarven deep ones actually end up sort of original? Holy shit.
Surprisingly orc/ogre, with human/ogre being way less common. Orc/ogres become leaders of both, being smarter than the ogres and stronger than the orcs.
Half-ogres love to fight, eat, drink, and listen to high-quality music. As long as a half-ogre is well fed and comfortable, they're very sociable, willing to trade jokes, and work hard. When they're wounded or angry, they get hot-headed, confrontational, and overprotective of their friends. If someone insults their friends when they're in this state, they're likely to enter a rage.
If they're raised in orc or ogre clans, or in tribal human clans, they often become confident warriors and leaders. If they're raised in the city, though, they're often treated like shit, but if they're human/ogre hybrids they might be able to pretend to be just big, angry humans.
They grow up really fast, reaching maturity by thirteen, so those raised in a human town might go back and sneak treats or give piggyback rides to their childhood friends. Aww.
With adventurers, half-ogres respect clerics and fighters, and tolerate rogues, but often don't get along well with wizards and the like, because they either talk down to them or they just don't let the half-ogre in on the plans, which makes them feel stupid.
They get along great with dwarves, for obvious reasons.
NEXT TIME: WE'RE TOO PRETTY FOR OUR OWN GOOD AND OTHER RACES THAT WOULD GET YOU KICKED OUT OF A GAME GROUP
Origin StoriesOriginal SA post
Or, if he doesn't mind a totally mediocre anime, he could try Demonbane, which is literally Lovecraftian robots.
Seconding Getter Armageddon and Gunbuster, though.
I don't have the stats for these yet, but I do have their origins, most of which are written in the style of B&B. Most.
The Halfdick (Halfling + ANthropomorphic Whale): Long ago, bizarre man-whales roamed the world devouring the flesh of all sentient beings. Only when a halfling wizard heroically sacrificed himself by merging with the Overwhale were they stopped. Unfortunately, this has created a horrifying monstrosity that looks like a small whale, but with hands instead of fins, and their skin is human toned. They are constantly torn between their desire to explore and their desire to commit genocide.
The Ice Burn (Half Fire/Half Ice Elemental): Sometimes, a tragic love affair between two elementals results in a suicide pact. When their blood mixes, it creates the Ice Burn, a troubled outcast of the planes who seeks only to be loved. They can shoot burning ice or cold fire, depending on the sex of their parent. Elementals totally have a gender because
The Clockmen (Half Human/Modron): A tragic love affair between a human woman and a modron results in a steampunk baby that will win the hearts of hipster fangirls everywhere. They are moody rebels because they are hideous abominations that should not be, and therefore they are deep and easy to identify with
Squidly Diddly (Half Grig/Kraken): An ancient and powerful wizard with literally nothing else to do (he had done the rest) decided to mash together a grig and a kraken at impossibly high speeds and see what happened. Much to his disappointment, it did not result in torrential rains of blood, but a small, flying squid that was really overpowered because it had like 9 attacks total and if it bites you it won't actually do any damage but it still really fucking hurts you know? They have no society to speak of and just fly around in swarms generally causing a mess of things.
Boycow (half human child/half cow): Legend tells of a really, really poorly thought out romance between some boy and a cow. It's probably just like, a metaphor or some shit for the origin of these strangely badass sharpshooters, who are literally just cattle standing on their hind legs and somehow able to grip a gun, which for the purposes of this race exist in generic D&D because Their rite of passage involves breaking free from the symbolic pasture and punching down the metaphorical electric fence. Only after they have shed blood are they considered true Boycows.
Half-Human (Half half-orc Half Half-Elf or half-human/half-human): There was a man who discovered what the other half was, but he turned up without any bones or skin the next morning. They look like elves with less pointed features and a slight green or blue tint to their skin, or like regular humans but with less skillpoints and no extra feat and they're so bad that their favored class is the complete warrior samurai. They are outcasts and worship old nature gods and shit because they are edgy or they worship the more mediocre versions of whatever this settings Gods are (unless playing FR, then worship as normal unless it's Helm or something, I don't know FR)
Sweet Thing (Half halfling, half Half-&-Half sweetener packet): Pitiful little humanoids made entirely out of artificial sweetener. Probably because of a wizard, I don't know, unless you want to think about a halfling sticking his wang in a sweetener pack? I don't either. Every moment of their existence is complete hell. Nobody wants to eat them to release them from their torment because they taste nasty, and the Law dictates they can only commit suicide in coffee with the express consent of the drinker. They are too small to have coffee.
The Vomiters (Half Kender/Half Digester): At first glance they appear to be a normal kender, and that's the only glance you get because they spew acid all over you as soon as they see you. Probably made by wizards in some sort of forbidden love, I doubt either was a kender but really they're wizards so what can you do?
Roper-dwarves ExistOriginal SA post
Are you fuckers ready for this?
Bastahds an Bladlons
Oh boy. With a name like that...
They're the result of a nymph boning a male elf. They're mortals but after they reach their twenties they stop appearing to age. It's not entirely terrible until
Children out of Wedlock and Family posted:
Though not as lovely as their mothers, houri are far more attractive than any elf or human, a fact that brings them great power as well as constant peril. A houri must always b e on her guard, for wars have begun to win one's favor, and the basest of villains have put aside all other thoughts once they decide to capture one. Fortunately houri are more than pretty faces, able to defend themselves as well as gather companions and allies to their sides.
Houri are among the most beautiful of all mortal races. They are universally fair, though their body types range from slender to buxom. They have flawlessly smooth skin, luxuriant hair, bright eyes, perfect features, and delicate, pointed ears. A houri may have any skin, eye, and hair coloration, depending on the appearance of her parents. Pale, creamy skin, blond hair and green eyes are the most common totally not author preference but houri have been born with brown, black or well-tanned skin and any imaginable hair and eye color.
they're basically the most sue race
I went to a used bookstore today and picked up a copy of Complete Book of Elves and Cyborg Commando. Expect them.
Basically, all houri are neutral good unless they were abused or something, then they find the world so sick that they feel they must destroy it to prevent pain and evil. This is clearly a very deep character concept and
Unlike other crossbreeds, everyone loves them, but they're really cautious and will friendzone all bards because
Most houri are spellcasters BUT THEY CAN TOTALLY DEFEND THEMSELVES THIS TOTALLY ISN'T MASTURBATORY I SWEAR
Okay, we're out of the bad zone. For now. The Jovians are part giant/orc, or giant/human. Possible origins include:
Arcane breeding programs to create ubermensch soldiers
A barbarian hero and a lone giant
A giant pretending to be a god getting laid by their worshippers
All jovians are infertile.
Depending both on the society they are raised in and what giant they descend from, the treatment of Jovians is different. Some are treated as powerful heroes, but most are treated with contempt by both humans and giants. Orc respect them, and half orc Jovians often become the leaders of orc tribes.
Jovians are outgoing and confident, and they have a cruel streak that manifests as sadism in evil jovians and as the ability to appreciate and make sick burns as a good jovian.
Hill jovians are the most common, and drink till they drop every night, and are "brooders", seeking solitude when worried. They like to solve thigns with their fists, and anything too complicated they'll just punch.
Fire jovians were really badass on my first reading.
What I read posted:
They also take all things to extremes, including violence, love, vengeance, and even hobbies. A fire jovian is not contnt to learn to play an instrument, he must master it and crush his enemies beneath his heel and see their families driven from their homes.
What it said posted:
A fire jovian is not content to learn to play an instrument, he must master it. He cannot just defeat his enemies, etc
Frost jovians are all withdrawn and shit.
Fire jovians are clearly the best.
Now, we return to the terrible.
Allow me to quote their origins, it must be seen to be believed.
I am not making this shit up posted:
Kestrels are the result of a halfling and harpy union. They are most common in hot jungle lands where small halfling communities live in the treetops. Flights of harpies often prey on these canopy towns, capturing large numbers of the little folk. These prisoners normally end up as slaves, hostages, and the victims of horrid torments for the harpies' amusement. Harpy flights that have suffered major losses to their male populations (generally as a result of intertribal fighting) also resort to mating with their prisoners.
Other than that, they're basically just halflings with wings and a sadistic streak. They are also totally unpredictable ala Kender.
this is almost good posted:
Lashers are the result of arcane experimentation with roper and dwarven bloodlines. Though dwarves are loath to speak of it, the two races combine easily with magic and form a crossbreed able to mate with either .
They are paranoid, hateful, and will fight each other for control of their groups. They look like normal dwarves when not fighting, but once shit gets real their arms turn all rubbery and they go all Stretch Armstrong on enemy behind. They make great assassins because of this.
The book doesn't mention this, but they'd also make great assassins because the beggars who would witness it would be discounted right away. "HE WAS A DWARF, SIR, BUT THEN HIS ARMS TURNED ALL RUBBERY AND HE STARTED EATING HIM" "yeah yeah crazy"
They are very paranoid and think everyone wishes them ill, but they also think that they're the best race ever and the supermen meant to rule the world.
If you cut out the ROPER SEX they'd be pretty neat.
I don't care what anyone says, and I don't care how retarded their origins are. This is the best race in this book.
Sometimes, a cloaker is sent to spy on gnomes for some reason. They assume the form of a gnome, and sometimes this job requires them to have sex. This is what I expected for their origins, but the truth is much more amazing and comic book, which is important for reasons that become clear at the end of the first paragraph:
Many are rakes and villains to be sure, but others are silent defenders of small communities and hidden heroes who strike fear into evildoers from the darkness.
this is amazing posted:
Supposedly the first lurker was an accident, created when a gnome illusionist attempted to shadow walk away from a cloaker that had engulfed him. The magic of the spell mixed in horrendous ways with the cloaker's natural ability to manipulate shadows, and the creature that stepped forth was neither gnome nor cloaker, but the
first of a new breed.a motherfucking hero dedicated to protecting good from the shadows .
I'm ending the Lurker here. It may be my duty to chronicle the shit in this, but I love the concept of gnome batman so much that I can't sully it's perfection by giving you the rest of the retarded details about this rate. Gnome Cloaker Batman is totally my next character if I ever play 3.5 again. Even their fucking "Background" is superhero.
Many lurkers grow up as normal gnome, with much the same home life as any of their race, until the incident leading to their transformation. How they react depends on the circumstances.
Not just superhero, but straight up super. They could become supervillain or superhero. This is fucking marvelous and I will not quote the shit abo
they have a +5 level adjustment also reiterated cloakersex
;_; my dream
EDIT: NEXT TIME REVERSE LITTLE MERMAID, MIND FLAYER SEX, AND TROGLODYTE SEX WHY
Mind-FlayersOriginal SA post
So, I found a Palladium System "dark fantasy" rpg called Nightbane. Like many 90s horror games, the premise is "it's our world BUT EVIL LURKS UNDERNEATH".
Anyway, let's get this shit over with.
RACES OF RENOWN: BASTARDS AND BLOODLINES
I've figured out an easy system to identify which races will be really bad and which won't.
1) Are elves involved?
2) Does the word "breeding" come up at any point?
3) Does the artwork feature a female character?
If you answered "yes" to any of the above, the race is probably awful.
The single most uninspired race in the entire book, which is really saying something. You know how sometimes a mermaid and some lucky sailor fall in love and have babies? The Merg are basically that, except between a merman and a sexy pirate or something. I mean, are there any other seafaring females in generic D&D?
Don't answer that.
The Merg are so generic that they don't even have any art. Stat-wise, they're absolutely awful. All they get is slow swimming and +2 to dexterity. Really. Nothing else. +0 LA.
Ohhhhhhhhh fuuuck. The Mind Ripper. We're entering CTech territory.
Mind rippers are among the most horrid and loathsome of crossbreeds, the vile offspring of the union between a mind flayer and any humanoid species. Isolated, dying societies of mind flayers on the verge of extinction, lacking the numbers to perpetuate their race normally, conduct desperate breeding programs . They mix their bloodline with that of other humanoids, most often drow but also frequently dwarves, gnomes, humans, and orcs. Individual mind flayers have experimented with other humanoids as well and found that nearly any sentient humanoid race can be used to create mind rippers. Surprisingly intelligent and hardy, mind rippers serve mind flayer communities as laborers, slaves, soldiers, and even mates
It can't get worse, can it?
IT TOTALLY CAN posted:
Though the behavior of a mind ripper depends on its heritage, the horrid process needed to create one involves so much psionic manipulation that all mind rippers are similar enough to be treated as a crossbreed race.
This isn't the worst part. The words that follow shocked me so much that I'm going to break this post in two for emphasis.
Almost always, a non-mind flayer mother is impregnated by an ooze made of the remains of dozens of mind flayers.
ConclusionOriginal SA post
Okay, I've regained my composure.
because this is absolutely vital information posted:
The product of a union between mind flayer and mind ripper is always a mind ripper. Three of four mind rippers are female.
To make things worse, mind rippers resemble their mother except they're always medium size, with the offspring of large creatures being in the upper range and the smaller races on the lower end. They also have no nose and four tentacles around their mouth.
The book reasonably points out that even though the majority of mind rippers are evil, it's more because they lived in a society that grinds up their dead and uses them to impregnate women than any inherent evil. They have remarkable concentration, likely spending every waking moment trying not to think of how they came into being. They also like all or nothing plans and will take extreme action against those who slight them.
Their childhoods suck. Their moms, if they survive, don't want to believe they exist, and their parents, in the only Mind Flayer characteristic action thus far, don't give a shit. Because of this, Mind Rippers often adventure either to show their power or become accepted by a group. They are fully grown by age 10.
Sometimes, a gnome commits a crime so terrible that they are banished to the depths of the world. Some are then adopted by colonies of troglodytes, and somehow they fuck.
Morlocks are the result. They don't gain sentience until they are fully grown.
Okay, moving on.
Sometimes, a Satyr is so horny that he'll settle for an elf or a halfling. Pipers are their kids.
Again the book pulls out the "THEY GROW PHYSICALLY REALLY FAST" so that they're fully developed by age 13 but are still emotionally at that age, and apparently start chasing tail immediately. There's also some shit about how they're more likely to be mature if they have "strong mothers". It brings this up many, many times.
Thankfully, according to the book most pipers meet their end at the wildlife that recognizes them for the abominations that they are.
Dryads need the men of other races to reproduce. If they reproduce with a fellow fey, they have a dryad child. Of course, if their leafy woman parts are aroused by "charming men of great handsomeness or artistic ability" they'll sometimes (but usually not) end up with a Spring Child. Otherwise they just get another dryad.
They are super emotional and basically elves that change color depending on the season but are also more "rounded and robutst" than elves. They are almost never male and everyone pretty much likes them. They love "quiet pleasures" and enjoy art and music and food and are always loyal to their friends.
Basically, another race that's masturbation fodder.
The Sthein open up with a really telling passage about how the elves used to be a glorious, peaceful and fair matriarchy until the men grew afraid and started a revolution, so the matriarchs turned into snakes or something, and thus nagas. Now this could be the source of an interesting Drow origin, where the Drow wanted to return to the old ways but were cast underground because sexism or something, but no, even the drow deny this.
Now, sometimes there are elves that want to learn more about them and prove their existence. Most settle for studying the myths, but some want to return the naga to the elven bloodline so they mate with naga.
Sthein are always female, and then the book contradicts itself by saying that there are male naga because sthein can bear children with both elves and naga.
The sthein can shift between snake and humanoid shape, so they wear stuff that can transition between both.
They're very curious, and enjoy going out and finding ancient tomes and stuff, and also have a second hobby like "brewing, weaving, poetry, cooking, or ancient history." The sthein appear cold and unforgiving, but it's only because they consider a decision from every angle. Once they make a decision, they will stick by it.
They are also super patient, and are often misunderstood for being uncaring and lazy because of it.
They are finished maturing physically around the time they are twelve.
When they grow older, they "develop a motherly concern for friends, and by extension the communities their friends hail from. Long after a sthein's human friend has died, she may watch over his bloodline and home village, training its young spellcasters and guarding against serious threats to its prosperity." If the village says "fuck you" she'll use her agents to help.
Sthein make terrible PCs because they take such a long term and unbiased view.
What the fuck is this? Masturbatory elf day?
All you need to know about why the Trixie is awful is present in this image:
and in this quote:
Gear and accouterments do not change size when the teixie does, making it difficult to remain well equipped, or even clothed, once shrunk.
They are spawned when a gnome society sends a gnome maiden to "spend an entire day and night with a Father of the Hunt chosen from among the fey folk" in order to keep their communities hidden from the bigger races.
They are described as "small and buxom humans with dragonfly or wasp wings and tiny antennae."
Okay, moving on. This is just a variation on the "whimsical but matronly sexy elf thing" that this book loves so much.
Watchers are pretty badass. Basically, powerful dwarven priests imbue a gargoyle with the soul of an ancient dwarven warrior so that the warrior may watch over the mountainhomes for eternity. They usually don't become adventurers until their home falls, and then they take up some other goal to uphold. This would actually make for a pretty sweet character.
There's also something about how they can do it with dwarves to make other watchers, ruining an otherwise excellent dwarf crossbreed, especially compared to what follows.
Wendigos are savages who trace their bloodlines to dwarves and winter wolves.
A wendigo occurs when a dwarf is lost so long in the frozen wilderness that he or she loses any sense of civilization, finally joining a pack of winter wolves. After years spent hunting with the pack, killing with bare hands and teeth, and eating raw meat
such feral dwarves become more wolf than humanoid. Many scholars believe that they are truly changed, perhaps by the power of some winter wolf god. When mating season arrives the wild dwarf participates, and a wendigo is the result. Wendigos themselves are infertile, keeping their numbers limited.
Goddamnit, this is the one time I was hoping that they could at least breed with each other. See, here's how I would have played it. That thing about a dwarf becoming a winter wolf and shit? That's their religious origin story. They would revere this dwarf as like the great father or mother or something. That's a much cooler and much less ridiculous way for them to exist. But damnit, this is about crossbreeds, so two creatures will fuck.
Why is it that the dwarf crossbreeds are all misanthropes? Their attitude is basically that of the lasher, except less violent and more brooding.
Another elf masturbatory aid, this time between a treant and an elf. Yawn.
Orcish hagspawn warlords.
I don't even give a fuck anymore. These aren't interesting enough to be included.
There's more to the book, including some templates like half-beholder and half-medusa but they're really what you would expect and probably covered in official supplements later. There's also feats and classes but really nothing interesting or stupid enough for this thread. That said, I want to end this on a high note, so have some neat art instead: