kill puppies for satan by Bitchtits McGee

I have no idea.

posted by Bitchtits McGee Original SA post

some guy said to do this game, so i thought "okay then", looked it up, and right there on the cover it said

well, pissbuckets. saying that was supposed to be my job. i flipped through it anyway, but it really didn't seem like there was anything i could do to the game that it didn't already do to itself, plus the whole thing is typewritten like a cheap zine so there aren't even any funny pictures i could use to spice things up, so i gave up for a while. later on the toilet i realized that i could just do what the book did back on it again and maybe get points for artsy pretentiousness, so i decided to run with that and you're coming along.

i write up "kill puppies for satan" for a bunch of neckbearded goons
my name is bitchtits mcgee
attention span 2
witty 1
plagiariffic 5
free time 3
internet fame 0
this many people have ever noticed me as a poster, not just another slowly-flashing-baby-headed putz who had ten dollars burning a hole in his pocket at some point: 1, maybe, but to hell with that guy anyway. yeah, you know who you are.

that's what passes for a character sheet around this mess. no shit. only instead of attention span, real characters have cold; instead of witty, they have fucked up; instead of plagiariffic, they're mean, and instead of free time, they're relentless. there's also like a hundred damn other classes that you don't get to play but the gm gets to throw at you like crates full of chickens in a wharfside perp chase on some stupid cop show, and every damn one of them has that exact same sentence explaining how each stat is the same as all the others only with a different name, because apparently this game thinks gms have the memory retention of mildew. also they all have a headline sentence that pretty much sums up their whole personality and shit, but i'm not going to tell you what the real one is because if you can't figure it out yourself then the case worker who's reading this for you will probably just skip over this bit and tell you what it is anyway, you mongoloid motherfucker. and all those fruit carts, man, what the fuck.

cold is like intelligence, fucked up is like wisdom/agility, mean is like strength, and relentless is like endurance/hit points. each one gets a descriptive paragraph and a movie reference, but really, that's it, same stat set as in every goddamn other roll-to-see-how-you-die game. 11 points to start, but the game points out how easy it would be to cheat even though that'd piss off the gm probably. then it goes on through the rest of the book reminding you of that time you cheated like an idiot even though it was the book's idea in the first place. so braining cute animals with rocks is a-okay, but fudge an ability score and you've crossed the line. psy-yi-yi.

there's also a score for how many people hate you, which doesn't seem to be good for anything but bragging rights, and one for how much evil you have. no, not how evil you are, i guess that's the other one now that i think about it, but how much you have, because evil in this game works like spell points: killing puppies awards evil, which you can then use to do all sorts of weird satanic wizardry shit, like turn invisible by whistling, control sewage with your mind, or make someone actually consider having sex with you for a split second. don't give me that look, it's right here in the list, costs 5 evil. buy your own damn copy if you don't believe me.

it's not just puppies, either, anything cute counts. less cute, less evil - so kittens are worth 1 point, but cats are worth 0 because they're all going to hell anyway for being douchebags. rarity and difficulty are also factors, like squirrels are cute but they're puny and fucking everywhere, so 0 points, but if you can take down a mountain lion, 2 points for badassery. you can get bonus points by getting fancy with the offing, like using way too big a gun or eating them alive (goldfish excluded). killing vermin like cockroaches and rats gets you penalized, though, because they go to hell and then satan has to pay to have them exterminated.

you make rolls by rolling and adding whatever score. try to get over 7, or just higher than the other guy if you're in a fight. and hey, turns out that "people who hate you" thing is rolled whenever you try to interact with regular losers in some way that doesn't involve creeping them out, whaddaya know.

then there's a bit on how satan is really just a regular joe who likes wrestling and cspan when he's not ruling the underworld, a few loose commandments-more-like-guidelines that boil down to "it's better to be annoying evil than capital e evil", and then it gets into the gm crap which i'll get to later if i get to it at all. bye.