Rifts: The Rifter 9½ by Alien Rope Burn

"Draw the kind of violence or shameless sexist material that Palladium is too timid and socially conscious to print itself."

The Rifter 9½, part 1: "Draw the kind of violence or shameless sexist material that Palladium is too timid and socially conscious to print itself."

"To get the perfect effect, the character should have no shirt on (female characters especially) and have a really good war face."

• G-1 Derringer (1d4 GD): Percy thinks it's stupid because it's small. Funny!
  
• G-10 Heavy Energy Pistol (1d4x10): Percy tells us it's like Han Solo's gun, only he can't remember Solo's name or the name of Star Wars because he prefers Jean-Claude Van Damme's or Steven Seagal's action movies. Only he can't remember Seagal's name. He's an idiot, and that's funny!
  
• G-25 Particle Beam Rifle (1d6x10, full auto only): You have to spend $5 to Peter (Percy?) in addition to the actual cost. He's greedy, and that's funny!
  
• G-60 Machinegun (3d6x10, "double auto"): It's suggested you fire it shirtless because they did that in '80s action movies and also women are sexier shirtless. That's funny!
  
• G-999 Giga-Missile Launcher (1d10x100, in volleys up to 100): You can blow up killer satellites with this, which is ridiculous. That's funny!
  
• G-69 Support Cannon (6d6x10, "triple auto"): "Notes: It's kind of like the wave-motion gun from Star-Blazers, only a bit smaller and you don't get to wear the bell bottoms all the crew members wore on that show." Bellbottoms? That's funny!
  
• G-1000 Gigasaurus Rex (3d6x50,000): Like a bazooka but "way kewler". Ha ha, he's trying to spell cool the wrong way. That's funny!
  
• G-123 Giga-Boomer (3d12x10): The Giga-Damage version of a Boom Gun. Has a range just short enough to travel around the world without hitting you in the back. That's... well, that is actually kinda funny.

"Anyone who has so little regard for your feelings as to let a character like Erin Tarn get killed (whether intentionally or not) in the fashion you destribe is not a team player and probably not the kind of person you that you want to be associating with."

I want to be the very best,
Like no one ever was.
To catch them is my real test,
To train them is my cause!

Otherwise I'll be drafted,
Into the Coalition Army.
Sent to the frontline,
And get shot by an Octoman.

Pokemon!
All hail Emperor Tromm!

"Caucasian, slighly overweight but very attractive."

• Bungee is a runaway extreme sports sort from the circus who was recruited for the group at a local rave. He has the "Physical Training" power set, which means he gets a solid physical package but isn't particularly exceptional as far as supervillains go.
  
• Crashley is a militia hacker seeking to destroy all "evil" corporations and all "all" governments. "Kind of bossy and controlling." It's not clear what Heroes Unlimited power category she's under - she has high computer skills that somehow break the 98% limit and hit 100% or 105% and uses guns. I guess she's a Hardware character?
  
• Headcase is an ex-gang member who leads the maniacs. He's apparently chill and only really into the villain game to get paid and live it up. He's a psionic with his strongest powers being some mental whammies.
  
• Burnout and Dusty are twin siblings that apparently were orphaned runaways before getting recruited for the Maniacs at a party - Burnout controls Fire while Dusty controls Earth. He's angry! She's flirty!
  
• Wizzer is a mechanical genius and nerd with a crush on Crashley that she's been busy crushing. He makes undetailed gadgets and uses a gun.

"Exposure to the cloud for more than 10 minutes will cause hair to start falling out and skin to burn and peel."

• Apple: Lets you heal yourself and cure illnesses and poisons because an apple a day... keeps the doctor... away. The healing effect is fairly ridiculous and broken; you can also throw apples further than normal but they don't do any more damage than normal so... why?
  
• Banana: You can throw bananas so they come back to your hand, throw it to cause people to slip (there are no rules for that, though), or use the peel as a bola. "The character will also have many other ingenious uses for bananas and their peels." I bet they do, I bet they do.
  
• Chicken Soup: Cures the empowered user's colds and flus. That's it. That's all you get.
  
• Eggs: Can throw eggs in people's eyes, make eggs rotten before throwing them, or... cook them in your hand. "A great trick at parties..." Nobody's impressed, Eggscalation. Nobody.
  
• Food Preparation: You get an encyclopedic knowledge of recipes and Cooking at 95% (Not 98%? Really? That's game balance, I guess...), but your memory becomes bad unless it relates to food, so you're always talking about food. Food is funny!
  
• Food Preservation: You can preserve food! That's hilarious! You can be like "I really do have a banana in my pocket and I'm happy to see you! Ha ha!" Oh, everybody had a chuckle over that one.
  
• Fruit Grenades: You can throw pineapples, coconuts, and melons as shitty grenades. Also pumpkins, even those are vegetables.
  
• "Flat, Disc-Shaped Food:" Yes, you can throw pizzas for shitty damage at unarmored targets. But it's funny! Take that, Shred-head!
  
• Ketchup: Slows a target down. Get it? GET IT YOU MOTHERFUCKERS- also you can slide around on ketchup and go fast because... I have no idea. I'm going to have to think about that part.

• The Stinker: A noisy fart that has a roughly one-third chance to make somebody lose an attack through laughter. Yep.
  
• The Skunky: A super-stinky fart that causes a powerful combat debuff that can't be saved against. Instead, you just have to save against Horror Factor 15 or run.
  
• The Room Clearer: Basically the Skunky, but worse. If you decide to stand your ground, you might be knocked unconscious unless you make an unspecified save (nonlethal poison, presumably?).
  
• The Paint Peeler: Automatically knocks people out unless they have some form of protection, no save, and does damage!... every eight minutes, if you're interested in tracking that sort of thing. Get it this far smells worse than the last three farts, that's hilarity!
  
• The Atomic Blast: This, uh, does radiation damage direct to hit points, if very slowly. Hair falls out! Skin peels away! Real-life radiation poisoning sure is a hoot and a half.

"However, the Vaudevillain will NEVER steal, con, or cheat to obtain his pies."

• The Cat Burglars (By Julius Rosenstein J.P. Ferkelberger): Given the name of "Fluffy" at a young age and humiliated by it, there was nothing left for a young gymnast to do but become... a Catwoman knockoff. Really reaching into the bin of originality, Julius. In any case, she kidnaps cats from wealthy owners and ransoms them back. Well, that's a cute gimmick in need of a better character, at least. Also, she's "emotionally disturbed (no kidding)". She rescued a cat named Agatha from perfume research, who turned out to be a mutant which... made her mildly smarter than your average cat. Also she lives below a school for the deaf that can't hear that she has 40-50 cats tucked away. (I think they'd be able to smell this cat-piss villain...)

• Big Bouncer: An overweight criminal who dreamed of becoming a crime lord, Bob was kidnapped by an alien who wanted to emulate slapstick comedy and replaced his fat with "super-bounce material". Despite this, bouncing is not detailed as a super-power of this (he has a healing factor and enhanced senses), though he has a unique damage reduction power. So, technically, though he's described as bouncing around... there's no rules for that. Hopefully, your GM will be able to roll with this.
  
• Candle Man: A wax man created by a wizard who conveniently died right after creating it, this waxen golem is going around trying to accomplish... whatever it was created to do. It can shoot hot wax, takes reduced damage, and can regenerate from even the smallest piece of wax left if not buried on holy ground. Doesn't really seem that "wacky, and also doesn't really involve fire, so it's more just a wax guy than a candle guy. C'mon, give him a little wick on his head or... something, Marciniszyn!
  
• Commando Ed:: A super-soldier who somehow got amnesia. His super-soldier programming caused him to go to ground from the base he was on, and use a mysterious shrinking ray he had to escape. He has a phobia of soldiers and cowers when explosions go off. He has a secret identity as a crane operator now, and his coworkers think has PTSD, but... well, it honestly just sounds like he has PTSD. Funny He's got enhanced attributes, is laser-resistant, and has a temporary shrink ray that needs to be "unjammed" by hitting it sometimes. Shrinking is funny! Like PTSD!
  
• Doctor Plastic: So, this is a guy who was transferred into a plastic body by a scientist, that, like Candle Man's wizard, had the decency to die in a car crash. A funny car crash, no doubt. He looks like a person-sized action figure who can vary his density from super-tough to fluid, and has a variety of robot powers, some of which are actually from Heroes Unlimited 2nd Edition, some of which are from whole cloth. Also he can recognize Vampires and Shadow Beasts because he randomly has the "Nightstalking" power that gives him an affinity for shadows. He fights people with a funny shotgun and a hilarious handgun.
  
• Flying Snake: This is actually two characters: Flying Snake, an flying alien robot snake, and Bar'ren, an forcefielded alien snake that shapeshifts into human form. They're evil and spy on "criminal organizations" to sell them to the competition. Hilari... look, it's... like, it's odd, but a lot of these are just odd by comic book standards.
  
• Foam: This is an evil sponge monster from another dimension that "attack[s] any good thing or person it sees, and then runs away". Mysterious! Hilarious! Has an I.Q. of 30 for some reason! That's 300 in real-life! Yes, I know that I.Q. number doesn't exist on the test! No, it is not otherwise addressed! Yes, "sponge guy" is the essence of this "joke"! No, he doesn't have sponge powers! I don't really have a ending for this so I'll just add more exclamation points!!!
  
• Gasser: This is a supervillain driven to madness by "strange gasses" that made him obsessively invent gas weapons to become a supervillain... and he's also obsessed with bodybuilding? Why? Haven't you been exposed to strange gases that make you just wanna lift? Well, if you haven't, don't judge. He has different types of gases including a "hypnosis gas". I guess laughing gas is kind of in the humor vein? Sort of? Also, paralysis gas has the duration/effect reduced by half on an a successful save. So you're... half-paralyzed? I guess?
  
• Lights Out!: An alien that steals things with the power to turn invisible and turn other people invisible. Also it's a cat that takes on human form through metamorphosis? I mean, that's kind of random, but once again, it's more just slightly off-kilter than goofy. Also has Clock Manipulation, which lets him manipulate clocks, because... yeah, just kind of random. Does not actually put any lights out.
  
• Manakin: Another android developed by a super-genius. Remarkably, this genius is still alive, and so he goes around in a shiny gold costume enabling the scientist's evil schemes with his superhuman physical traits. Also he can swap out eyeballs for different forms of vision, attach extra arms or tentacles, or attach mushroom-like-attachments to his brain for ill-defined mission and foe information. "Note: His creator may be a super-genius, but he is a super-weenie who will never engage in combat."
  
• Razorfish: A man who bought an ancient stone carving of a piranha from South America, which turned out to contain the essence of an "ancient evil shaman". "... in his native tongue, the shaman's name is 'Getonwithyourlife'." No, the guy wasn't a particular loser or anything, so I don't know what that's a punchline to, if anything. The shaman possessed him and gave him the power to turn into a flying super-tough piranha that can bite through nearly anything, and it's not clear - I guess the shaman takes over when he's a fish, but otherwise not? It's a goofy visual but pretty unclear.
  
• Rocket Dog: A scientist ("Darren Nightbulb", because... Lightbulb...?) discovered another dimension where his favorite cartoon character, Rocket Dog, is a real person, and brought him to this dimension I guess. It doesn't actually say. Rocket Dog flies super-fast, is super-tough, and has telekinesis including a "telekinetic bite". Darrel has an inflatable hand that does extra damage but no actual statblock. They use a leash, mainly so Darrel can get dragged along when Rocket Dog flies. That's a pretty funny slapstick gag! I thought Alex would never hit it, but the eleventh time's the charm, as they say.
  
• Slappy: A guy who got rich stealing a magic gold statue in Africa that turned his hands leathery and gave him super-slapping powers. So, like you do, you put on clown makeup and go around slapping people as a supervillain. But the only thing they really let him do is ignore invulnerability or push super-strong people over, they don't do any extra damage, so... it's not terribly useful? Also he can randomly turn invisible.
  
• Slugg: An alien with a "survival suit" that's basically a robot slug, and he has a random smattering of psionic powers. The slug-suit can climb walls and shoot eye lasers amongst its laundry list of features. Not vulnerable to salt.
  
• Squish: A "master chemist" who won the lottery and used the money to invent sticky goop balloons she traps villains in while wearing a sticky-proof costume. Which is a silly gimmick done entirely straightforwardly.

"For example, a woman who is being sweet-talked by her male companion may be made to kiss him if perceived to be nice, or slapped if he's being a creep or a cad."

• Adhesion: You leave a sticky gunk behind when climbing objects. There's a 10% chance per 30 feet of getting stuck, but it many only apply to one substance. It does have the advantage that other people can follow you by sticking to your leftover spillings, but also the disadvantage that people can follow you by sticking to your spunk.
  
• Flying: You can't fly above 20 feet, but- "For some reason, members of the opposite sex are very attracted to this individual; +1d6+5 to [Mental Affinity] when dealing with exclusively with members of the opposite sex."
  
• Healing Factor: You get "1d6" common allergies and earaches and headaches, and healing bones causes you to break out in hives. "Develops a real passion for chocolate and coconut." I... huh? Alternately you get nosebleeds easily to seem "less tough".
  
• Horror Factor: You're either completely unaware of your Horror Factor, or you can't look in the mirror without suffering the effects of your own spookiness.
  
• Manipulate Kinetic Energy: 33% to burn out any lightbulb you touch. Man, how often would that come up in play during all those exciting lightbulb changing operations you have to do in play? I don't know about your game, but they used to call my campaigns "Metal Gear Lightbulb". Also dogs are attracted towards you within 100 feet and run up to play.
  
• Mental Stun: You forget appointments and holidays and show up 1d6 hours later. Ha ha!
  
• Nightstalking: Your character is nocturnal because they think the night is more exciting. Also you monologue to yourself, which may actually be funny. "I was mostly just confused by these attempts at humor, bewildered. Chocolate and coconuts? What could that mean? Was it a damned Cathy reference? I didn't know. I'd never read Cathy that much. Perhaps I would never know. Perhaps it was better that way."
  
• Power Channeling: Being surprised causes this character to throw an involuntary power attack at whoever surprised them. Also sometimes wakes up suddenly thinking they're being attacked. You may realize "Wow, that sounds like PTSD related to abuse.", if you're me. But you're wrong. It's just funny.

• Alter Physical Structure: Fire: You actually get red-faced and smoke coming from your ears when angry. Also when "sexually aroused" your hands become extremely, uncomfortably hot. Alternately, you might just ignite your own farts. You decide which is more tasteful.
  
• Alter Physical Structure: Metal: You have "buns of steel" that are impervious to harm (if not literally steel), and you never fart. "How is that for muscle control?"
  
• Animal Metamorphosis & Lycanthropy: Instead of turning into a specific animal, you turn into a different animal every year based on the Chinese zodiac. For "shorter campaigns", it suggest changing it to every month. This seems more just like an fun variant rather than a humor gag, especially because we get totally badass stats for a zodiac dragon.
  
• Chameleon: You turn red and polka-dotted when embarrassed and plaid when angry. How kooky! Just monkeycheese kind of stuff, but I do like the idea of a hero gritting their teeth on a 1990s-style comic cover with the title "Plaid Rage!"
  
• Control Others: Sometimes you accidentally mind control people based on your opinions or whims. This is funny and not at all terrifying. Wait, what? Why did I say that?...
  
• Control Static Electricity: Sparks fly when you snap fingers, sneeze, or fart. "Hey, potty humor is always good for a cheap laugh." Fuck you, Palladium, you filthy toilet monsters. Wash your everything out with soap. Don't forget the asscrack!
  
• Create Force Field: A force field might pop up when somebody's trying to be affectionate! Alternately, you might be "mothering or overprotective" and may subconsciously bubble people.
  
• Divine Aura: Like Horror Factor, you could be completely unaware, or completely egotistical and driven nuts when you're rejected by "the opposite sex" and go nuts trying to figure out why or win them over. Legally actionable hijinks ensue, no doubt. "This character tends to believe his farts don't stink, but boy do they ever." Kind of... fixated, are we? This is like the Spencer's of tabletop gaming books.
  
• Holographic Memory Projection: Another character that's a walking HR violation, as "rude and lewd thoughts" are automatically displayed for everybody to see. Alternately, you might just transmit your thoughts whenever in a bad mood.
  
• Item Reduction: The power lets you shrink stuff, but you're always looking for bargains, because... item... reduction... oh, man, I laughed until my sides hurt on the inside, in an alternate dimension, an alternate dimension where this was remotely funny. But it's funnier than Starfinger, at least.
  
• Plant Control: You're a crazy eco-activist? Which seems more like a life choice than a side effect, but "is obnoxious in a way vaguely related to your powers" sums up like a third of these.
  
• Sonic Flight: You have theme music when you fly which gives you a penalty to Prowl. I'd think the sonic boom might already be doing that, but- well, I guess you can fly slower.
  
• Sonic Speed: You make meep and varoom noises like the Road Runner, like in that cartoon, did you see that cartoon, it's like that, it's like the Road Runner, do you get it, do you get it, do you? Or you make ultrasonic booms that alarm dogs. Also did you see that cartoon?!
  
• Spin at High Velocity: "Loves to watch storms and chase tornados. Favorite movie: Twister. Favorite dance move: The Twist." Oh, hey, I can do this. Favorite Street Fighter: Zangief. Favorite manga: Uzumaki. Favorite sex position: Top! Comedy is easier than I thought! Kill me now!

"Potty humor (and giggling about it) is high on his list of favorite things, as is writing in the snow with one's bodily fluids ('yellow snow, says hello'), sexual innuendos, spreadying rumors (even when he knows they aren't true), telling white-lies, false implications (I never 'said' that), using semantics, and parks like switching sugar with salt, or adding hot spices to sauces, surprising people with joy buzzers, whoopi cushions (makes a farting noise), burps, farts, spit balls, pulling down somebody's pants, putting a bug (snake, ice cube or other icky thing) down a victim's pants or shirt, putting ants in the sugar bowl, making mud pies mixed with doggie-doodoo, food fights, shooing a mouse into a crowd of women, serving chocolate covered insects, lighting smoke bombs and shouting fire, using stink bombs, and similarly disruptive and vulgar jokes are right up Backsmack's alley (along with some surprisingly clever and sophisticated ones)."

"The Entertainment Factor is similar to Horror Factor or Awe Factor, except it's funny and entertaining."

"The Humor Factor is similar to Horror Factor or Awe Factor, except it's funny."

"Hummina-Hummina Factor: 16."

• Runic Bikini Armor: Because it protects you with magic runes and not actual armor. Women only. It provides a "Hummina-Hummina Factor" that prevents the "opposite sex" from attacking you first if they fail the save, but gives a 50% chance of them "attempting to pick you up". "Only applicable to hot mamas with a P.B. of 12 or higher." However, if worn by an orc, ogre, troll, or anyone with a P.B. below 6, it instead inflicts Horror Factor 15, because ugly is evil is scary. Gives a bonus to charm males or lesbians, but a penalty against straight women. Bis are unmentioned, and presumably erased. Also lets you cast spells to resist heat or cold because.
  
• These Boots Were Made For Fighting: Thigh-high boots with high-heels, magical protection, perfect balance, speed boost, bonus to kicks, leave no footprints, bonus to prowl, reduces your weight, lets you levitate, float, go even faster, or walk on water.
  
• Thumblers: Cursed silk gloves that change color to match your outfit, but then change all your fingers into thumbs so you can't pick up or use anything. Gives a penalty to pretty much anything combat related, even dodge, because... thumbs? I dunno.
  
• The Ugly Stick - A Lesser Rune Weapon: A intelligent weapon that wants to make people ugly and reduces Beauty by 1 or 2 on most hits permanently, no save, no obvious means of recover.

• You're It: Makes people flee from the target. There's a permanent version in case you want to make somebody really suffer and have 5,000 P.P.E. to throw around.
  
• Base: Makes an item, when touched, render somebody immune to You're It. Get it? Well, I suppose you don't have to with this amazingly niche spell.
  
• Banana Peel: Makes somebody slip on a comical fashion, and witnesses also have to save or "lose initiative" due to laughing at the fallee.
  
• Speaking in Tongues: Basically babels a target so they can't speak clearly. Has overtly long examples and a "permanent" upgrade that takes a remove curse spell to remove. The target is unaware they've been tongue-scrambled for MAXIMUM COMEDY.
  
• The Deviator: Lets you change a target's alignment, so you can convince them to do things they normally wouldn't "such as convincing a scrupulous character to allow a prisoner to be threatened, beaten or tortured". Funny torture, no doubt.
  
• Shout: Forces somebody to shout instead of speaking normally. Has a permanent version like Speaking in Tongues does.
  
• Ears of the Bat: Gives the target superhuman hearing but penalizes them when there's any loud noise.

"Now this isn't just any tourist, but 'The' Ultimate Pain in the Butt Tourist - a strange, whimsical, and chaotic monster (even if they look normal) whose life is dedicated to frequent vacation-style travel and adventure."

"Sgt. Brick blew him a kiss and made several obscene gestures that only Dog Boys would understand."